Monday, January 18, 2010

Dear M o m m a !

its so much stuff that i cant exlain about you
all i know is that you do what you do but you definitly love me
growing up i realized you had less than nothing. I apologize a million times that i didnt do nothing when you where crying. Growing up I was the youngest and it was essential for me to not understand i never spoke, i never talked but i indeed had a plan. See this plan had nothing to do with money, nothing to do with books nor clothes.. my plan was to break this crycle of abluse and free alot of souls. See even though i was 10 and seeing my mom doing drugs or running out every night like i was sleep when my eyes where closed., Momma i was very smart for my age ma, when kids asked did i smoke i said hell no! my senior year in h.s, i took classes at PGCC and I earned a college credit "B" in psychology.i remember me using my skills and every explaination in the book for " behavior " why the ways are the ways between us, and even though you never asked what grade i received or didnt give any help, i found the answer. See through the veins of our families we are strong but we sure been though alot. grandma was adopted and been through alot of families. Alot of babies but indeed strong. See momma greatgrandma committed sucide and didnt even claim her. Grandma told me that she just kept talkin about her brother and thats all she knew. So grandma worked for everything she got and cries to this day when we ask her about it. She told me that she wasnt able to give you a great childhood but she is sorry. See Momma i may not understand why the help you got didnt work or why i cant seem to bond with you at the age of 18 , its something with that untouch love when i was young that everyone got but with me? it was unseen. My plan to break this curse this certain secret that tears my family apart has to come to a end, the new beginning is with me!. momma even though you was a fiend , you steal resemble a black queen for me. When i was hungry or even bored at times you would find a way to stop the hunger with $1.90 and find the free activities that we  would have fun at. im 18 Momma, see i cant go back in time to find time that we couldnt always share, see im in college and i dont do any more dares! I understand now you want to care and share now me and my 2 older brothers cant be there. so this makes you turn back to the dark vallyes of hell. We dont even act as a family anymore but i try my best to show you even though it seems low. I heared my older brother use to always call you when he had a bad dream and  hold your hand, something slipped now you and him live in seperate lands and me idk when it started but we at war and we hurt each other feelings without it showing. It seems like every word that comes out your mouth is a sense of deplore!, a critisim, a hard hit in my face so i fight back cause when you get hurt its like a reaction. who knows where we been at but Mikey he seems to understand it all!. I watched him all these years and he seems to understand you the most. Its like he been there done that and came back for more!. i think thats why im so close to him and i cant lie, when he use to put me out his room when he had company i would cry. He use to let me suck my thumb when everyone wrapped it up or give me anything jus because i would ask. ibet if he had .50 he would find a way to give me at least 3.... all this beef i wish it could end, until then i will stick to my plan to end the cylce.Just like 2 pac no matter what you are appreciated in 2010 im apprecitaed for everything thats in my life because Momma everything that happenand will happen to me shall make me Great.